Monday mornig

Two days ago I decided I want to look at life in a better light, try to stay positive about it. Then a couple of hours later I spoke to my SO.

Why do we fall in love with people that tear you down. I love the guy, but I can't handle him lately. But I can't handle anyone lately.

You know, I think I realized what my problem is with this situation. I have now reached that point in my life where it suddenly hits me. I'm too young to settle down.

Wow I can't believe I realized that. But that must be it! I mean I'm freaking 22! I want to have casual sex, I want to flirt, I want to be free. But at the same time I want to know that I can all ways go back to someone who loves me and who will take me in.
But those situations don't exist in real life.

Man. I can't believe it took me so many years. My classmates went through this phase in their late teens (15-16 and so on) and some of them are already married and having children (too early imo but they do what they consider is best for them, I'm not judging them). And it took me 6 more years to realize, I want to enjoy life. I want to live before it's too late.

After living in Amsterdam for a year n half, and going through all the shit I went through, I realize now, I'm too young for this. No one is forcing me to go through it, so why am I forcing myself? I must be nuts. Hell, I probably am.

Why shouldn't a 22 year old, living at home, having most expenses paid for, even if we're not doing well financially, we're getting by (my family),  act her age. No one is expecting me to grow up around here, I could take my time, enjoy life.

Time to go to class, rant shall continue one of these days.

PS: I know I'm not 22 yet :P (but within the month I will be! )

Peace out!
Moo :P

Caek

It was my brothers birthday this weekend. I made him caek. I must admit, up to this present day, cooking and baking remain my favorite things, except the washing up part :P I hate that.

I raided this weekend, sadly we didn't get Garosh down, hopefully it dies next week. I feel like it's my fault tho, when I don't feel good, the raids go to shit. Maybe if I wouldn't have been depressed and angry we would have killed it.
Meh.

No point beating myself up over it now. What happened happened.

I am so tired. I was up again last night, late, 2.30 am. Why? I was arguing over skype with my SO. I can't do this much longer. I don't get enough sleep, I don't get enough coursework done and I don't get any time for myself. Why the fuck do I even bother?

Meh Fuck life. Fuck this whole shitty life.

And sure, go on tell me others have it worse than me. Like I give a crap. It's my life and I have to deal with it, not anyone else.

Fuck
it
all!

Time to pay attention to the course
Moo

Another one of those days

I started writing this yesterday (it's Thursday at the moment) but I got sidetracked, so I ended up saving it as a draft.
But the title still stands. It's one of those days. I don't feel well, coming down with a cold, and I feel lightheaded and dizzy.
Two days ago I had my first panic attack going to Uni. Just as I reached the entrance, my chest just locked up, I could barely breathe, felt sick for a couple of seconds and then it all went away and I didn't feel any different than I did before. And then yesterday it happened again. Not today, but today I had company walking from the tram stop to uni with me. (One of my brothers old classmates)
Now I'm sitting in class again. ADS (Advanced Data Structures) writing an implementation of Dijkstra's algorithm, I'll end up doing this at home, I'm not getting much done at the moment.
Typical. Instead of doing work at Uni and trying to leave as little as possible for home. I seem to do things the other way around. I work much better at home (I think) and I guess that's normal. I have a lot more information available (yes I am aware it's the same Internet :P) and I just sit at my desk, working. Here I am sitting in class (at my laptop) thinking when will class end, doing all sorts of random stuff to pass time and yawning uncontrollably.
I barely spoke to my SO again. Either I was unavailable, or he was, and I needed to go to bed early. Not that it helped tho.

And this is it for today, sorry for the abrupt end but time is money and I need to go for now :P

Until next time
Moo.

Posting on the go!

Wooo i can post off my phone now. For all of you( no one so far) who are intrested in my boring life.
So  got to uni. Bit early since i was hoping to sort some stuff. I had no such luck ofc. Try again thursday.

On an off topic, i decided not to capitalize the i when im on my phone. Why bother. It just makes things harder lol.

More off topic notes. I am really antisocial lol. And today feels like an off day.

Monday

Bloody Monday.

I never feel like going to uni after a night of raiding. It's not even that I go to bed late, or can't wake up, I just really really really don't feel like leaving the house.
I guess after being confined to a place you feel comfortable in for 3 and a half days, it just takes an extra big step to get moving again, usually takes me until Thursday to reach the state when I just get up and go without too much trouble, but then Friday is the weekend already, I don't have uni, and the loop continues.
I feel like I have to defend myself a lot, defend my decision in front of others. As if they were in a place to judge me, most of them aren't, I should be my own judge, but life ain't that simple is it.

It's funny, I seem to have gotten in a pattern where I post on here while I'm in class. It might seem silly, I mean I could be doing the Homework we get for next week, but that's the problem. I have to research so much for a program it's not worth me doing that in class. I need to be in my room, on my own (with the help of my brother who knows thousand times more than me).

I don't know how this is going to work out. I mean I am staying positive, trying, probably not 100%, maybe even 80%, but compared to how much I had to do, 80% seems like a lot at this moment. And then of course you can say, "but you're doing this for a better future, for you and your significant other". Yes, yes I am, but why should I give 100% when he isn't either :P

I once read somewhere for a relationship to work, you should never expect your SO to give 50% while you give 50%. All ways assume that you give 60% and they give 40%, and that's okay. But the problem is when you don't both think the same, because the more you give, the less the other gives. You BOTH have to have the mindset to give 60%. There's no harm in having 120% :P

And that's it for now. Class ends in 30 minutes, ill probably spend them browsing 9gag, facebook and checking for new FMLs. Cause why do work when you can do more at home.

Actually I'm gonna see if I can get my database program to work.

Bai for now
Moo

Hai

There are 10 kind of people in this world, those who know binary and those who don't. Bad joke aside, there are indeed 2 kind of people in this world (Yea I know there are more than 2 kinds, but stick with me will you). Those who feel the need to share their life on the world wide web, and those who prefer to keep it private(ish).
Lately I've been noticing that I started transitioning from the second type of person, to the first type I just mentioned. I have this strong urge to share my life, my thoughts, my problems, my joy online, with people I barely know. And I don't mean the few of my friends online, whom I've know for years, I mean people I barely, or not know at all.
Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I really don't, and sometimes I don't even want to know why. I'm just weird like that.

I think that's why I wanted to start this blog too. Because I want to share with who ever reads this (or maybe no one :P) my struggles.

I am weird like that.

Moo

10.10.13

Today is not a great day. Better than yesterday but by far not a great day.

Currently sitting in class (ADS). Teacher is explaining some C++ code, and I am just sitting here, not getting it at all. Strong dejavu feeling from the time i started 2nd year 2 years ago. I am trying to understand C++, but I find myself getting lost in the basics, while some quite advanced stuff are expected of me at uni.

I feel stupid. I know a lot of people who know me think I am smart, but I don't feel like it at all.

I mean I do understand what he says, and i got a pseudo-code idea how to do it, but when it comes to apply it in c++, i get lost. Seriously lost, and worried.